I remember the first time I realized I had the inability to call a pregnancy test a freakin? pregnancy test.
I was at my sister?s house with her family.? She put the kids down and we were playing Scrabble.? I was about 13, and looked probably 10 at the time.? She had just laid ?Qua? on a triple word score, but showed little of her usual ?In yo face!? excitement.
?I think I?m pregnant again, I just know it.? My period?s late.? Let?s go get a pregnancy test ? quick,? she told me.
Before I could respond she had grabbed her purse and was revving up the engine to her mini-van.
I jumped in to her car like I was catching a moving train, and we peeled off to the nearest gas station like her uterus was a ticking time bomb.
?You go in, I?m in my pajamas,? she ordered.
?What?? I?m in my pajamas too and I?m little!? They?ll call social services or something.?
?Just do it!?? She threw a twenty at me.
(Side Note:? At 30, my 40 year old sister just recently lost the ability to order me around).
I jump out and adjust my oversized nerd glasses.? I hesitate and l look back at the car.? She honks in my face.
?Alright, alright!? Geesh.?
I walk in to the gas station and find a lovely man with a greasy mullet behind the counter.
?Hi,? I said nervously.? Do you have any birth control??
The man narrowed his brows, then pointed to the condoms.
?Little young, don?t you think??
?Oh no no no no no no no no.? Not for me, my sister.?? He crossed his arms. ??And um, I?m not buying her condoms,? my face turned in to a tomato, ?I mean, um, birth co, pregnancy ? preg ? preg ? pregnancy tests.? Do you have pregnancy tests??
?Oh, well ? we don?t have those.?
?Ok, bye!? I ran out the door like I just jacked a Snickers and jumped in to her car.
?Well, where is it??
?They don?t sell it, and that sucked, I?m not doing it again.?
?Yes, you have to!? Use the extra money to buy yourself some Bubbalicous or something.?
?I?m 13, not 4.? Throw in a 44 oz Pepsi and you have a deal.?
We stormed off to two more gas stations where the exact thing happened.? I walk in, awkwardly ask for birth control, get awkwardly directed towards lube and condoms, I awkwardly explain the confusion, then head toward the soda fountain to fill up a cup bigger than my head.
Finally, we make it to Wal-Mart where a concerned old lady slowly directs me to the right aisle along with sex education packets.? Meanwhile, my capable, ADULT, sister was starting her period in the car.
Flash forward to modern times when during my marriage, I discovered my period was alarmingly late. ?And by alarmingly late, I mean ? for some reason I can?t be bothered to track my period, however it will be arriving right on time in the next two days, I just don?t know it yet.
I?m in a downtown area, and there is a small grocery in walking distance.? I decide to head down there to test my fate.
I go through every possible aisle. It appears they have every butt ointment and eye cream you could imagine, but I can?t find any pregnancy tests.
?Excuse me, ma?am, where can I find the birth control??
(Tip: ?When asking a store clerk if they carry birth control, double check they?re actually wearing an identifying name tag, otherwise you?ll disturb a poor woman trying to purchase her Vagisil in peace.)
?What? ?Oh, um. ?I don?t know, honey. ?I don?t work here,? she told me as she quickly slipped her Vagisil in to her basket. ?Then she gave me a once all over as if to say, ?I don?t know what this girl is up to, but I don?t like it. ?I don?t like it at all.?
No time for Vagisil woman?s judgments, I had a mystery to solve.
My phone rings.? It?s my husband.
?Hello? ?I?m at the store looking for birth control.? Oh, sorry no ? whoops ? I meant pregnancy test.
***Light bulb!? Did I say birth control to the Vagisil lady too?***
Yeah, I guess ? what do you want? ?We already have cheese. Oh, I don?t know ? the fridge? ?What do you need that much cheese for? ?No, I?m not making burgers when I get home, I?m too busy. ?No, I never said I was making you hamburgers for lunch, that?s ridiculous ? I have work to do. ?Make them yourself! ?FIGURE IT OUT!! ?I?m not responsible for your hunger ? WHAT? ? I GOTTA GO ? GOOD BYE!?
Uh oh, I?m steamed. ?Was my husband just slapped in the face by PMS?
OR
Did our baby just slap him in the face?
I wasn?t sure what hormones were responsible for giving him the what for at that point, and frankly, I didn?t care.? Come home and make me hamburgers?? Please ? don?t even get me started.
Finally I find someone with an actual name tag.? Unfortunately it?s some 17 year old dude too cool for school.
?Hi, excuse me?? Do you carry birth control??
(Friggin? A Balls, I did it AGAIN!!!!)
?Yeah, what kind??
?It doesn?t matter, just as long as it works.?
?I hear that!?
I tilt my head.? Odd response.
He takes me to the condoms.? ?The ribbed ones are really good.?
?Ew, gross, what?? (I don?t remember if I said that out loud or not).
Then I realize what I had done ? AGAIN.? When will it end?!
?No, no, I?m sorry ? I meant pregnancy tests.?
His whole demeanor changed, like I was requesting something far less fun and far more frightening.
?Oh, sorry, no.? We don?t carry those.?
(Tip:? If you need a pregnancy test just go to Walgreens and save yourself the freaking hassle!)
?Seriously?? You have hemorrhoid cream and no pregnancy tests??
He shrugged his shoulders.
?Whatever, that?s fine.? Where?s the cheese??
?
Anna Lind Thomas is the Co-Founder/Head Writer & Designer of HaHas for HooHas dot com. Check out more info in the About Us.
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